


Love Hurts Sometimes

by andlucyy



Category: The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Forbidden Love, Gay, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:49:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25537600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andlucyy/pseuds/andlucyy
Summary: There is nothing worse in the world than seeing the person you love love someone else.
Relationships: Evie/Steve Randle, Sodapop Curtis/Sandy, Sodapop Curtis/Steve Randle
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	Love Hurts Sometimes

Sodapop Curtis liked Sandy a whole lot, that was obvious to everyone. He did loving things to her, like tell her she was beautiful even if she looked exactly how she did every other day and tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her softly, but Soda didn’t love Sandy, which only Steve seemed to notice. Steve wasn’t doubting that she had him completely smitten, no, Soda was infatuated with her, but he didn’t love her, and she didn’t love him, at least like they said they did. 

Sandy was beautiful, in a wholesome, traditional way. She had a kind smile, and a small nose, and big blue eyes, and nice golden hair, and she was different from other girls in the best, most natural way possible. Demure and well brought up, she would capture the attention of any guy, barely trying. But Steve didn’t get it. He didn’t see the appeal of the dresses that were just short enough to make you curious, the red lips that were supposed to be enticing, the long nails that were supposed to be attractive in some universe. He just didn’t get it. 

Most of the time, Steve told himself it was because he hadn’t met the right girl, he had a specific type, Tulsa offered limited variety. They were all convenient lies -- he could divert the blame from himself and pass it to time and circumstance instead. It was easy for him to say that and be totally ambiguous about the topic. Then, there was Evie, who he enjoyed being around enough to stay and keep the questions at bay, but he didn’t like her like that. He tried  _ so _ hard to like girls the way everyone else did, but he just couldn’t, and he hated himself for not being attracted to them. He wished there was something he could do about it.

There were moments where he saw girls at the DX that made him feel different, and he was relieved, but then he turned and saw Soda leaning over the counter to talk to them and it all felt insignificant. It was like a cheap imitation of what Soda made him feel -- the wholeness and the emptiness, the certainty and the confusion, the euphoria and the misery, the love and the loathing… He beat himself up inside, tried to push the feelings away, because not liking anyone was better than liking boys. Anything would be better than liking Soda that way. 

The worst part was that Soda already liked someone. He liked Sandy, who was everything that he wasn’t. Sweet, pretty, female. How could he ever compete? He felt as if he was in a competition that he’d already lost, because one day, Soda would get married to Sandy and they’d have kids and grow old together and Steve would be forgotten. He’d be the friend Soda used to work at the gas station with. 

“Hey.” 

Steve, abruptly brought back to reality, looked at Soda, who was inches away from his face, and tried to conceal the fact that he was thinking about him. 

“This movie blows, let’s get outta here,” Soda said, a playful glint in his eyes. He was grinning, because he already knew that Steve would say yes. Steve never said no to anything Soda said, even if he didn’t really want it. Sometimes, Steve found it unfair that Soda could do that to him -- ask for anything from him and always get it and  _ still  _ not understand the magnitude of the control he had over him. 

Steve shrugged and glanced at Evie, who looked desperate to get out of there. It’s not like he was watching the movie anyways. They followed Soda and Sandy, who were whispering things to each other and giggling like school children, out of the drive through and into the streets. Steve felt a pang in his chest and stared at the floor.

For some reason, Soda enjoyed going on double dates with Steve and Evie, which was unfortunate for Steve because he had to watch Soda be all friendly with Sandy while Evie looked at him, expecting something more than he was offering, which was merely his jacket when she was cold and a shoulder to lean her head on if she got tired. She was asking for something he couldn't give her, something that he couldn’t give any girl, something that he only wanted to give Soda. 

Steve wondered why he still bothered, with the pressure that Evie put on him because of their relationship. It was like she was desperate for something conventional, something normal, and was constantly waiting for Steve to satisfy that part of her. But he never did. He always left her disappointed or crying. It made him feel bad, but at least he could comfort himself with the fact that he wasn’t why she was crying. Steve knew damn well that both he and Evie were in love, but not with each other. She always had looked at Sandy differently.

“It’s gettin’ late, we oughta be headin’ home soon,” Sandy said, glancing at her watch. Steve guessed it was around ten, due to the sounds of distant, still raging parties but the lack of drunk people on the streets. If the girls left now, there would still be time for him and Soda to hang out. 

They began walking towards Evie and Sandy's neighbourhood, which wasn't too far away from Steve and Soda’s. They all lived around the greasy side of town and went to the same school, so even if they hadn’t met at the DX, chances were that they would’ve met sooner or later. It wasn’t exactly fortunate for some parties involved. 

“Bye, Steve.” 

“Bye, Evie.” Steve leaned down and pecked her lips like they always did and like she wanted. At least trying to play the part of her boyfriend was the least he could do for her. 

She smiled at him after they broke apart and began to walk away. Steve watched her leave until she looked back at him and smiled again, which he returned, then watched her skip up her porch steps and enter her house, safe. He felt a weight lifting off his shoulders when Evie closed that door. It was like for a second, he didn't have to pretend anymore and he could breathe. He was almost content when the weight came crashing back down as he turned and saw Soda and Sandy saying goodbye to each other. By making out. 

There is nothing worse in the world than seeing the person you love love someone else. There is no feeling quite as gutting, quite as all-consuming as the one you experience when you are aware that you are your first’s second, and you always will be. It makes you think -- what can they give that you can't, what are they that you're not. It makes you hate yourself -- why are you not enough, why are you  _ never _ enough to be where they are. It made Steve miserable, and he carried that misery around with him wherever he went. Every compliment was a reminder that no matter how hard he tried, he would never be good enough for Soda. 

He awkwardly toed the ground while waiting for them to be finished. He witnessed Soda whisper something in Sandy's ear that made her flush and giggle and nearly gagged. It just looked so… gross and unreal to him. Whether that was because of his personal preferences or because it actually was fake, Steve didn’t know. Who was he to judge someone normal’s normal relationship? 

“Alright, where do you wanna go?” Soda asked when he finally joined Steve again. 

“Dunno… I’m kinda tired, maybe let’s just go back to your’s or somethin’,” he suggested. 

Soda agreed offhandedly. 

Steve always preferred being with Soda alone. It meant less distractions and less having to deal with his divided attention. He was also more real when he was by himself, like there was no one to put on a show for, and Steve knew how much Soda pretended around everyone else he knew.  _ Especially _ his family and Sandy. It didn’t make sense to Steve why Soda prioritised people he had to act differently around so highly. If it were Steve, he’d be spending as much time with the person that he didn’t have to pretend around. For him, Soda was the closest and furthest thing that Steve had to that someone. 

“Do you love Evie?” Soda asked abruptly. 

Steve didn’t know what to say. He wished he could just scream in his face ‘no I love you, you shithead,’ but that would be pretty gay. For a few moments, he stared at Soda, not saying anything, feeling stupid, then he decided to tell half of the truth. 

“No.” 

“Oh…” Soda sounded almost disappointed, but the look on his face told Steve that he was expecting that answer. “Why?” 

“Why?” Steve repeated, confused. 

“Why don’t you love her?” 

Steve shrugged, feeling incredibly uncomfortable and hoping that he wasn’t showing it. “I just don’t.” 

“Is it because you love someone else?” 

Steve’s stomach felt like it fell a thousand feet and he started feeling all sorts of paranoid — what if Evie was onto him? What if  _ Soda  _ was onto him — but he tried ignoring it and focusing on seeming unbothered. “No, what made you think that?” 

“Nothin’, I was just wonderin’. You and Evie never really…” he trailed off and shook his head, “never mind.”

“No, tell me.”

“I mean, maybe it’s different for you guys but you never seem like you’re enjoying yourselves when we go out together, y’know?” 

_ Is it that obvious?  _ Steve internally cringed and stared ahead. “Yeah, I guess it’s different for me and Evie.” 

“I mean, every couple’s different so it’s fine,” Soda said quickly. 

Steve felt both glad and uncomfortable as the conversation ended. He was thanking the God that he wasn’t sure existed that they were done talking but he was also cursing the dead silence between them and the lack of background noise to focus on. Silence had never felt awkward between them. 

“Wouldn’t it be easier if best friends just got married?” 

Steve’s face flushed and his whole body felt hot despite the cold wind blowing against his back. 

“Like, imagine if you and I got married and then Evie and Sandy got married and we just became, like a pair?” Soda continued. 

_ Say something, say anything! Fuck.  _ Steve didn’t say anything. What could he say? Of course he’d thought about him and Soda together, maybe like a normal couple for fleeting moments before he forced himself to stop, but he’d never thought about them getting married or anything. Marriage wasn’t something on his mind ever, unless he was thinking about the bounds of society eventually pressuring him into finding a broad to marry and have kids with and how he was dreading that more than anything in the world. 

“I dunno, I’ve never really thought about it before,” Steve said, half hoping the conversation would end, half hoping that it could lead to something more, like his fingers in Soda’s hair, his hands on his cheeks, his torso against his. 

“We could live together and stuff and then have kids with Evie and Sandy and then hang out with them like we do now.”

_ Don’t do anything stupid, don’t do anything stupid…  _

“What if we skipped town and actually got married?” Steve asked. 

_ You fucking idiot.  _

Soda stopped walking. The expression on his face was unreadable and his features were highlighted and shadowed by the glare of the nearby streetlamp. Steve’s heart was pounding and the silence wasn’t making it any better. 

“Seriously?” Soda finally asked, bemused. “I don’t think we’d actually be able to do that, y’know? And we’d be leavin’ Evie and Sandy--”

“For God’s sake, I don’t give a damn about Evie or Sandy, I wanna fucking die with you!” Steve’s outburst surprised both Soda and himself. He felt his face turn bright red and tears wet the corners of his eyes, blurring his vision. Steve didn’t cry, but this was different. This was a completely different tier compared to everything else in his life. 

“Steve, what does that mean?” Soda asked, brow furrowed. 

Steve felt like his throat was glued shut. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t will a single sound out of his mouth. It wasn’t like he had anything to say that would save him though. There was nothing he could do to help him, so he focused on keeping his tears away. 

“Do you…” Soda paused and something flickered across his face. “Are you… gay?” He asked, voice low. 

Steve nodded. What was the point in lying anymore? “Please, don’t tell anyone,” he said, voice soft and broken. He blinked, unsuccessfully straining his eyes to see Soda. His blurry figure walked quickly towards him and Steve clenched his fists, preparing for something terrible. If Soda began beating him, he wouldn’t stop him. But moments passed and he felt nothing but a hand grabbing tightly onto his wrist and leading him somewhere. Steve said nothing, mind racing. Maybe he was taking him back to the gang so they could all have a go at him. He still wouldn’t stop them, he didn’t care if they killed him. 

Blindly trailing after Soda, they sped down the street they lived on. The locations and the memories and the feelings coming back to him for a second before he moved on. The lot -- where Steve first saw Soda in the light he did; the sidewalk -- where Steve ran home and realised he loved Soda. The lights were on at the Curtis’s. Darry and Pony were probably home, doing the dishes or something. Maybe Two was there watching TV, or Dally and Johnny were there hanging out.

At that moment, reality caught up with him and Steve felt scared. He wouldn’t be able to take on the whole gang at once, especially not when he would be using half his strength to will himself to fight back. “Soda wh--” he started, but was harshly cut off by Soda shushing him. 

Before he could resist or protest, Soda turned down the side of the house instead of going up the front porch steps. It was almost completely dark and it took Steve’s eyes several seconds to adjust, but just as they did, Soda came to an abrupt stop and Steve nearly knocked into him. 

“Wh--” Steve started, but was cut off again. Soda backed him up against the side of the house. All Steve could make out were Soda’s eyes staring into his own with an unexpected brightness to them. His heart was pounding, partially with fear, partially with adrenaline. 

“Soda what are you doing?” Steve asked uneasily. 

“Something that we should’ve done a long time ago,” he replied. 

_ Holy shit-- _

Soda pressed his lips against Steve’s, releasing a storm of butterflies in his stomach, it was almost overwhelming. The powerful sensation ignited so mercurially, it was spreading like wildfire through Steve’s whole body. For a couple of seconds, Steve was frozen, pressed against the wall and he didn’t know what to do. Soda was kissing him voluntarily, this was all he ever wanted. Everything about it felt right. It was perfect. It was hard to find the words to describe what he felt with Soda’s lips on his and their bodies pressed against each other and his hands on his face. 

But, not that it was on his mind at the time, there was a bittersweetness to the kiss. No matter what happened between them, they would never be able to be anything more than best friends. The kiss would’ve been the starting of a beautiful lifelong love, if only it had happened in a different era. 

The boys pulled apart and caught their breath, chests brushing against each other with each inhale. They were so close… Steve stared at Soda’s face, which he wished he could see it better, and saw flushed cheeks and wide brown eyes looking back at him. Everything about Soda was flawless. 

Once again, there was silence and stares, but this time, it wasn’t tense or awkward. It was the kind of silence you get where you are in total understanding with a person, and it’s like you’re having a conversation with your eyes, or talking in a secret language. It was amazing, it was ethereal, it was… love. Steve took his thumb and trailed it along Soda’s warm cheek. The feeling of his lips lingered on Steve’s face, and it was going to stay, tainting him forever, like a bloodstain. But Steve never wanted to kiss anyone else ever. Only Soda. 

Steve knew that the longing stares that he stole from across the DX, and all the times he died watching Soda and Sandy, and the hating how he had to pretend to want Evie would continue, he and Soda weren’t going to get together, but at least now he was going to be provided with some kind of remedy. A sweet resolve to years of want and need. Steve and Soda’s cloak and dagger meetings shone some light in the hopeless situation that they were in. Maybe if they left Tulsa and moved to LA or New York or anywhere else in the whole world they wouldn’t have to hide anymore and they’d be free to be who they were and love who they loved, but then, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except his hands cupping Soda’s face and gently closing the space between them. 


End file.
